It was 4 years ago. I flew through the diagnosis strong and happy. Ditto on the first two surgeries. No problem. I made a decision to be strong and upbeat. I wanted to lead my kids by example through this and I did it with no effort. Yes, I "believed" God was there allowing me to be strong and happy, but I didn't know it. Don't get me wrong, I had felt God's very strong presence throughout this time, but I had never actually seen His face. But then, who gets to actually see him? No one does, right? Isn't that why we are required to "have faith"?
I intentionally spent time with my best friend who is the funniest person I know. I think I laughed more than at any other time in my life. Everyone was truly floored, including me, with my new found coping skills during this period in my life. After the second and the hardest surgery, I was back home from Memphis. I was able to slowly walk around a bit, but little else. None the less, I wanted to go down to the barn, so I very carefully and slowly climbed into the mule and drove the 300 feet down there.
As soon as I walked into the barn, I felt this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. My barn floor was dirty (I hate that and it kicks in my OCD) and I was physically unable to plug in my blower and blow the dirt out of the barn. I started to feel like I was in WAY over my head with the workload generated by this farm, and here I was, I couldn't even clean the barn floor. When this realization hit me, I started really crying for the first time since discovering the cancer and that's when it happened.
The barn has a large door at either end of it and they were both open. All of the sudden straight line winds, like we used to have in Kansas, started blowing. It was so surreal as I stood there and watched ALL the dirt blow straight out of the barn. These winds came up suddenly although there was no storm and they continued to blow for almost a full 15 minutes. I usually leave the barn doors open and a wind event like this had never before happened, nor has it happened since. In the 7 years I have lived here, the wind has NEVER even come close to cleaning off so much as a small portion of the barn floor. While it's normal to have a nice breeze blowing down the barn hallway, no wind has ever been strong enough and lasted long enough to actually blow the barn out, much less completely out. This was especially profound given that this wind developed as I was crying about my dirty floor.
As I stood there with tears still on my face and goosebumps covering my body, I realized immediately how ridiculous it was for me to be worrying about not be able to blow out my barn when the One who makes and controls the wind has my back.
This revelation has changed me and the way I see things in amazingly profound ways. My girlfriend will talk about how I "found God". I didn't find Him, He jumped out in front of me in such a way that I knew it was Him and what he said to me could not have been any clearer if He had shouted YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY AND FRET BECAUSE I'M HERE AND I CAN DO WHAT YOU CAN'T - SO STOP IT!
I actually feel a little guilty sometimes that deep faith came to me so easily and suddenly. I mean there are people who have worshiped and followed God their entire lives who haven't been blessed the way I had been that day in the barn. I wasn't searching for God that day - I was merely feeling very sorry for myself. Why me and why then? I don't have a clue.
I posted my story on one of my favorite forums and was sent this biblical quote:
He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man, he who turns dawn to darkness, and treads the high places of the earth— the LORD God Almighty is his name. Amos 4:13
